Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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