I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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