i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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