Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
