This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
