If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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