She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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