I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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