Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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