YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
