if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
