she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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