that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
