when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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