So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
