Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
