Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
