Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You left your phone here
Wait...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
