I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
