I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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