I like to think it a success when the cops are called
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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