Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
