i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Randomize
