@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
