My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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