Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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