I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
