I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
