I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
