She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
