Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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