Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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