Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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