I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
false alarm, still single
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