who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
