My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
