dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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