I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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