dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
