yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
