3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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