i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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