you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
