They should really pass out barf bags in church
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize