Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
