I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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