Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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