I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
