he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
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We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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