I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You need Xanax blowdarts
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
