i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
