So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal