I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.