I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well I just put wine in my tea
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.