Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.