I think I won the penis lottery.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.