im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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