i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
