i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
