it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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