How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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