it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
