its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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